Finally back on WiFi. Here's a post from our trip to Melbourne. We're a little behind and will get caught up soon. Also pictures will follow soon. It's arranged in categories so you can read the sections you are interested in and skip the rest. Happy reading!

Butchering the English language and the American Reputation.

Melbourne, Australia 1/21-1/27

The language:

Lou is an excellent speaker (especially in the driveway Rainman). However there has been much debate about his Aussie dialect. Jeff took every opportunity while in Melbourne to speak to the Aussies and ask whose “Aussie” was better. Jeff is convinced that Lou is totally butchering the language while Lou thinks he blends! Channeling Melissa Tomah, “Yea you blend!” We met a couple, Ann and Richard in a Pama restaurant (see below for translation of pama) who gave us a few rules about speaking the language. It’s simple: R’s and L’s are optional and cut out any unnecessary syllables. Here’s a guide to help you in case you are contemplating travels to this part of the world.

Melbourne=Melburn (first syllable accent)

Brisbane= Brizbin (first syllable accent)

Cairns=Cans

Jeff=Jiff

Handicapped bathroom=disabled toilet

The letter Z=zed

Tasmania=Tazzie (and yes it’s a real place  off the coast of Melbourne, with an actual animal called the        Tasmanian devil, which we’re told does not look exactly like the road Runner’s mate but does slightly resemble Lou removing his wetsuit)

Friend=mate, and there are multiple ways to use it. Our favorite being the drawn out Maaaaate with a descending emphasis and used along with a palm up hand gesture, which means something like, “you’re pulling my leg, or unbelievable”.

A mate from Tazzie-Kaba (short a’s, first syllable accent)

Good day=god-eye mate. This was the most hotly disputed phrase. Perhaps not compatible with Jeff and Lou’s native NYC accents.

You’re welcome= No worries or cheers

Good for you=good-on-ya (usually followed by the word “mate”)

Chicken Parmesan=pama (a specialty here that comes with chips not spaghetti. Chips are french fries, potatoes chips are crisps)

Lines=queues but don’t ever cut the queue in Aussie. Penalty is death.

Sweater=jumper

Regardless of the language, we love this country!

Day to day:

Everywhere we went, (especially if it involved beer) people chatted us up and helped us soak up the language and culture. While the prices are outrageous, the trolleys are free during the Open, so Lou and Jeff refused to pass up a bargain and took the trolley everywhere, even if we were only going 2 blocks. Why waste it! The men here must be secure in their masculinity. They use the word “lovely” in every other sentence and wear their shorts really short. Men wearing Capris, socks and sandals is not unusual. We did find a few similarities between Aussie and NY. A big one is that while taxis drive on the wrong side of the road, the drivers are still idiots.

Running:

We ran every day. The running was great along the Yara River and almost felt like home along the canal to Joanne and Lou, except for a few things, like all the crew teams that flew by us. Stroke, stroke, stroke. Lou was almost taken out by a girls’ team unloading their boat. What he was looking at??? Jeff took that opportunity to take the lead in the run. Good thing the guys had Joanne running with them or they surely would have gotten lost.  Lots of nubiles to distract.

Weather:

We got lucky! The first two days were very hot, but after that it was perfect. The weather, can frequently be over 100 for the open, but was kind to us at about 70-80. Sorry to our American family and friends! We know you got hammered with cold and snow!

Tennis:

By the way, we did get in 6 days of tennis which was our main purpose in coming to Melbourne. The first two days we didn’t have tickets. Lou and Jeff went by themselves those days and Joanne and Clare took in a museum and the beach. After standing on the queue at the open for 2 hours in sweltering triple digit heat the boys quickly discovered a flaw in the pricing structure. Families of 4 got a significant discount.  Never willing to pass up a bargain, they quickly developed a plan on how to be a family of 4. Jumping off the queue, Lou and Jeff decide to run back to the tram in a search to complete their family.  They grabbed 2 babies, whose mothers were looking the other way. Back on the queue, babies in tow, for another 3 hours.  Way to beat the system, saved $10 more Aussie dollars. I’m pretty sure there pictures now hang in the post office. After that the 4 of us had tickets for 4 days at Margaret Court arena. Great seats in the shade! Lou and Jeff kept their hats on low the whole time.

Win some lose some. We saw some great, highly stressful matches. After this week, there are two players who shall remain nameless as they contributed to lightening the weight of our wallets. Tomic is now dead to us.  Jeff spent some time chilling with his new mates, Margaret Court, Rod Laver, and Yvonne Goolagong, while Joanne and Clare rocked out with Keith Urban on the guitar and drums! Lou was unable to mingle and instead paced as he couldn’t take the pressure. We met up with Mohawk guy on the street but he dissed us for a photo. Maaaate!  

One day the guys scored some great seats from a former pro tennis player whose father coached Vitas Gerailitis.  They got 4^th row seats to the Serena Williams match. This guy’s claim to fame was he beat Boris Becker 3 weeks before Boris won Wimbledon at age 17. He claims Boris had a good serve but couldn’t get it in.  Vitals apparently ripped off his dad and never paid for over 4000 lessons. He is now one of 300 legal bookies in Australia.  His dad was not sad when Vitals died.  Still holding a grudge he gave us an inside tip which cost us 200 bucks. But he did give us a free program worth 20 bucks. So now they were down only $180. Unfortunately Lou dropped the program in the latrine claiming he had too many things he was holding in his hands. Jeff insisted that Lou go back and fish out the wet program. When Lou got back there it was already gone. Aussies are quick to snatch up a bargain.  Also lost with the program was the daily draw sheet. Determined not have this be a total loss, Lou and Jeff tried to negotiate with the vendor for a free program. The vendor was having none of that, however he did not know who he was dealing with.  They changed tactics. Doing their best Goodfellows routine, they asked if he loved his family. They walked away with a program and 2 pretzels! Score another $5. Now only down $175! And what’s up with throwing back the tennis ball hit into the stands?  I guess they have a limited supply?? Baseball rules in that area!

Culture:

We also saw the play ONCE. It was Jeff and Clare’s third time so I guess we have it call it thrice. We also saw the movie American Sniper. “Yikes” is all we have to say about that! Our last day here was Aussie Day. Lots of patriotism.

Accommodations:

We rented a small apt with lots of great features, the best being a washer and dryer. We did have to beg for towels though. When our towels disappeared one day, Clare and Joanne went down to let them know they were gone and the reaction was “how could that be?” with an emphasis on the word “could”.

They tried to charge us for an extra night to no avail. Instead Lou and Jeff did their best Abbott and Costello routine on the untrained night clerk who was no match for the two ex-New Yorkers. 3 nights free.

Food:

We continued our now well established tradition of eating our way through the country. We had lots of pama and chips, Asian food and gelato. We found a bagel shop close by run by a guy from Ithaca.  Small world! He couldn’t get the concept of actually HAVING bagels available for customers. Loads of staff but always out of bagels.  Maate? Only $2 for a bagel. Our first bargain since we arrived! You want cream cheese with that? That’ll be a $20 mate.  Closed on weekends but we got to be mates with Ithaca boy and got free bagels on Saturday.  Cream cheese now $40. Here you go gringo. We argued to no avail about the price of cream cheese and he barred us from the shop and the town of Ithaca.  He will henceforth be known as the down under bagel Nazi.

The week flew by, and when leaving for Cairns this morning, we got upgraded. Exit row seats! Yea baby! This is living!